Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Why I hate gyms #1

As I said in my more focused blog, I joined a gym at the start of this year.

I made a promise to myself about 3 years ago that I'd never waste money on a gym membership again. At the time, my son had just come into this world, I had just discovered that it is much more enjoyable to run outdoors rather than on a conveyor belt, and I figured that I no longer needed to work on my max bench as I no longer had a need to lift 200+ pounds above my head. In fact, I'm pretty sure I never had that need.

So, I cancelled my membership and began building my own home gym. I bought a decent adjustable open bench, and a set of adjustable dumbells. I switched my workouts into a high rep, low weight auxiliary muscle focused lifting regimen, and plyometric based routine consisting of body movement exercises like push-ups, sit-ups, lunges, etc.

To this day, I'm still progressing in my abilities in these workouts, and find new twists and bends to add to the old stand-bys in fitness articles to keep them interesting, and I have no plans of rejoining the muscleheads in the iron corner of the gym.

I joined the gym again, mainly to use the pool. I started swimming last year, and went to a municipal facility that charged daily admission. After doing simple math, I figured that if I was going to pay for swimming a couple times a week, I might as well spend the same amount of money on a more inclusive gym.

Don't get me wrong; I love having the membership back. I spent countless hours in the gym through HS and college, and in my first year as a professional office monkey. Hours of stress relief and focused training, and the ability to turn on the music and tune out everything and everybody else around you for an hour or two; it was my little hideaway...that I shared with several thousand other people.

So, three weeks ago I found myself sitting in a little office soaking in the whole spiel from the "membership liason" at the local fitness center chain. I grabbed a few of the group fitness schedules, and headed into the locker room for my first gym workout in 3 years.

But as soon as I turned the corner and passed the full length mirror at the entrance, my mental accountant of daily annoyances immediately starting making tick marks all over my list.

I'm going to try to post these as a series, as I've only been back in the gym for a couple weeks, and I need time to fully digest the experience again before totally spilling my guts.

And I need to post more often around here.

So here goes, in no particular order:

Nakedness. I know, it's a doozy. Notice that I don't say nudity, as I feel nudity is a good kind of naked (if you feel there is a good kind of naked). Nakedness is the step child of nudity. Seinfeld portrayed nakedness, or bad naked, very well in the "The Apology," But I want to expand on his definition.

As I turn the corner, I'm immediately greeted with three grown men walking directly towards me with their towels over their shoulders and nothing else covering their bodies but gray hair.

Why on earth do people feel the need to walk around completely naked in such a public place?

I am a big proponent of sleeping naked. I almost hate wearing clothes while sleeping. If I do wear clothes, it's not much more than underwear. I shower naked, and usually shave and brush my teeth naked in the morning. But that's with the door shut, and alone. I wrap a towel around my waist (although, loosely usually) around my house, and I surely wear a towel around the locker room at the gym.

Why?

I'm not shy, nor do I feel inferior displaying everything for the world to see. But, because the gym is usually busy at the times of day I go, there are usually men sitting down tying shoes or benches to dodge or many other obstacles to overcome while navigating around the room. While I'm tying my shoes, the last place I want to be is at eye level with another man's uncovered junk. This has nothing to do with homophobia, but rather the simple fact that, as Elaine so eloquently put, "it's ugly."

Even worse, would be to look up and have a full moon staring you in the face as he is unlocking his locker.

So I try to lead by example and non-chalantly wrap a towel around my waist, and remove it only to shower and dry off.

But then there's the guy that's brushing his teeth at the sink...with one leg up on the counter. This feat has been observed on more than one occasion at different facilities. Is this a natural urge that I'm missing out on? Is it easier to reach the back side of your molars with one leg at waist level and the whole dark region behind your scrotum exposed for all to see not once, but also a second time in the mirror ahead of you? I don't get it?!

Now the steam room; it might as well be called Vietnam because so many guys just throw every rule of society out the window once that steamy glass door closes. First of all, it's clearly stated on the door, just above the handle, that everyone must have a towel, short, or suit on while taking a steam. You can't miss it. But I have yet to take a steam and not have someone stroll in the buff and plop their sweaty ass down on the tile bench that hundreds of other more sanitary people sit down on. Bodily gases are expensed at will, and passed off as it's just natural to let it go. Shaving? Sure! Why not? It's warm and wet, right? Perfect conditions to get rid of that unwanted pubic hair. It will eventually get pulled out of the drain, and nobody is walking barefoot, right?

Walk up to the urinal, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it to drop your towel, spread your legs so as to avoid the urine drips directly below, and then let out a little sigh of relief as you begin urinating? It is?! Oh, I must be the only one that doesn't have this urge.

And finally, the guy that feels it's completely legitimate to bend over in the shower and take a handful of soap and vigorously scrub his crack while facing sideways in the common shower room. It's usually the same guy that feels the need to use half of the soap dispenser on one shower, grabbing 5 or 6 squirts of soap for every few square inches of skin...and carries his own manly colored loofa into the shower too.

Although the majority of the room is covered in soap residue and water, it has to be one of the most unsanitary public places on earth. I don't know how more people don't come down with more communicable diseases in these places.


I have many more observations and rants about the lack of modesty in these odd worlds of fitness centers.

Hopefully I have some blogworthy encounters tonight at the pool.

Talk about harboring bacteria...